Finding the Magic

fire1March 3, 2009

Finding the Magic

A couple of months ago, I read an article on Oprah about Magic Lists.

I seem to be living in the Ring of Fire, so much so that one lawyer referred to me as a walking case of Murphy’s Law, anything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. Somewhere between being down-sized in my job, acquiring a brain injury from being rear-ended by another car and then suffering an “ischemic event” from having my neck adjusted by a chiropractor, all which happened in less than 3 months time, my life changed and I lost myself and my sense of purpose and meaning.

I fought to hold onto my home and place in my community where I have lived for more than 20 years. My worst fear has been to end up forgotten in a back room of someone’s house or a state-run nursing home at age 50. It seems that a corrupt legal system and dishonest state retirement system for school employees are quickly stripping me of these last things I have tried to hold onto.

This journey has been scary and uncertain; fear and hopelessness are my all too familiar companions. Despite having more stress, turmoil and chaos in my life for the past 4 ½ years, I oddly feel very lucky about many things. I feel very lucky to have a huge group of supportive people whom I can call friends.

It is unfortunate that many of my challenges are invisible. If I work hard at pacing myself, keep from getting too overstimulated in my environment (which means staying home most of the time), force myself to take frequent breaks and lie down, and make many other accommodations which help me conserve energy, I can talk, think and write pretty well. Though my existing abilities have left many professionals to consider me a fake and malingerer, I have to acknowledge that there is a reason I can still do these things.

With the loss of myself, worrying about what others think of me (particularly professionals who stamp you with deadly labels), and wondering how I will be able to support myself to live in the real world, I have forgotten how to dream. Now that I am close to being stripped of everything, the only thing I can do is to either resign myself to my worst fear, or to start dreaming.

I’m going to give one last shot at awakening my soul’s dreams. And so, I would like to share my magic list with you:fairy-with-star

  • Inspire & conceive communities/surroundings which nurture the mind, body & spirit of people with all abilities.
  • Experience financial security
  • Take pleasure in hobbies which involve creating things of beauty, treasuring nature, and cherishing how magical & wonderful life is
  • Experience a balanced home environment (calm, yet stimulating) surrounded by loving, supportive people of compatible mind and spirit, my pets & the beauty of nature
  • Share my gifts of helping others by attracting and aligning myself with people in power to improving the quality of life for those with brain injuries

I have written my magic list knowing that it is more successful when a person can actually claim to have the things they desire. I give thanks every day to the parts of my dreams I can claim, even if on a small scale. I have also written my list so there is a give and take – what I want to receive and what I’m willing to give in return. I want to feel my life still has purpose and meaning.

Several years ago, I encountered an incredible experience which you can read about in a story I’ve written called “The Feather.”  I believe I was provided this experience as a reminder of the power of miracles, synchronicity, faith or inter-dependence. My job is to continue to do what I can to help myself live a meaningful life and to have faith that I am not alone. My dreams may not happen the way I expect – they may, in fact, come true in ways that are more incredible and better than I can imagine.

© Angela Cramer, 2008-2009

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