February 28, 2009
Finding the Funny Side of a Bad Situation
I have been reflecting on the following sentence much of this week:
“….the Medical Advisory Committee has advised the Retirement Board that you are now capable of resuming your previous duties.”
Although they believe I am perfectly capable of doing my previous job as Program Coordinator/Parent Educator, I know that I probably would not last one whole day. So, one of my strategies is to plan for the worst case scenario: my disability pension check and health care benefits stop immediately and I have no money coming in at all.
(By the way, those of you who think I am a Pessimist engaged in negative thinking, you are soooooo wrong! I am actually tapping into the power of “Defensive Pessimism” which is a very positive way of tapping into the good side of negative thinking. How do I know? Because that’s what it says on Oprah’s website!)
Okay, now back to the question of what do I do if I have no money coming in at all? One coping strategy I am quite good at is to take inventory of all the things a person, including myself, is able to do well and to see the positive side of what others see as a weakness. With this in mind, I am starting a list of jobs/occupations to explore using my strengths.
1. Actress portraying a person with disabilities.
I have fooled my friends, neighbors, psychiatrist, social worker, advocate, some highly specialized doctors and even a person who lives with me, into thinking that I have a disability. And I’ve been able to do this for 4 ½ years!
I’m particularly good at pretending to have tremors in my head and neck. One of my disabled friends has nicknamed me “Bobble Head.” Another talent I am quite good at is making my legs and back shake so hard that I collapse on the floor and pretend not to be able to get up. Now this one may be a bit of a problem in the acting world, since I need to pretend the “not being able to get up” thing for at least 30 minutes, so I wouldn’t be able to jump up quickly to do a re-take if necessary. I do, however, always get up eventually. I have another friend with a disability who does something similar. I’m sure we would both make a convincing pair. We call ourselves “The Weeble Sisters,” as in “weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.” Okay, not totally accurate in our cases. We do fall down, but we always find a way to get back up.
Maybe Dr. Phil, Oprah or Ellen DeGeneres might help me break into the acting world…
2. Writer/Author/Comedian
I am a very convincing liar and even good at lying and pretending for very long periods of time. I think they call that “malingering.” This could be talent or mental health disorder, depending on whether you are an optimist or a pessimist. Of course, I choose to be an optimist on this one. I am so good at lying and using my imagination, I have a lot of material to write about.
I am even good at pretending to have logorrhea. (*Note: If you are pretending to have a brain injury, never use big words like this. Even if you went to college and have a masters or doctorate degree. It’s a BIG RED FLAG!!! You have to drool, use really little words and NEVER learn anything new.)
Okay, back to logorrhea. Maybe you don’t know this word. It means constantly talking. If you need a way to remember this, try the following: “logorrhea” sounds like “diarrhea” and I’m sure you’ve heard of “diarrhea of the mouth,” which is what logorrhea means. I have a variant of this called logorrhea of the computer: I type and type and type and type. Therefore, lots of writing material.
My creative imagination, many “characterological disorders” (here’s another one of those BIG words that doctors like to throw around and I like to collect) and a convincing ability to pretend something and make it look real have put me in many very interesting situations. I think my favorite one is where a doctor gave me a wedgie during an examination. I still need to write up that story!!!! It took me a while to figure out a new name to give him, but I finally decided on “Dr. Pullam High.”
That reminds me…. Have you heard of the new medical epidemic that’s been attacking many doctors and mental health professionals? The strangest and most interesting aspect of this chronic condition is that they typically don’t know they have it. In fact, their patients are usually the first ones to detect their symptoms and their patients don’t even have medical degrees! I guess this is like the old adage about a lawyer who acts as his own counsel has a fool for a client. A doctor or mental health professional is the least likely person to be able to recognize this condition. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you its name; it’s called Cranial Rectal Inversion. I don’t think it has been recognized yet by the medical community, but many laypeople are able to quickly recognize it. (Sorry, Drs. Sears, Stork, Masterson & Ordon…… I didn’t mean to make your profession the butt of my humor. I have not noticed any signs of this with any of the doctors on your TV show, The Doctors.)
Maybe Ellen would be interested in my birds, Vodka and McGyver. I have a couple of funny stories about them here: How Vodka Got His Name and McGyver and the Insurance Man. I’ll have to see about sending in some videos of them.
I even do a little inspirational writing in the form of short stories. Oprah’s into inspirational/spiritual development so this is a good field to get into as well. Here’s a couple of my short stories: The Feather and Goose Necks and Short Cuts.
3. ”Lady of the Night”/Home Companion
This brings me to the last alternate occupation to explore. Though I don’t have actual work experience I could list on a resume, I do have a lot of life experiences of being screwed by many different people from all walks of life. And apparently I’m very good at getting screwed over and over and over again. (I apologize if I’m being too crude. I’ve never listed life experiences of this kind on a resume, so I’m not sure the appropriate word to use.)
My problem has been that everyone else is making money over screwing me, and as Oprah or Dr. Phil might tell me, “It’s time to re-claim my own personal power!” I’m trying to think this through and perhaps working as a “Lady of the Night” would not be a good idea since that’s an illegal profession.
People have told me that I’m the one who needs to hire a home companion to help me with things around my home that are difficult. Perhaps I’ve been falling into the trap of negative thinking again. Maybe I’m the one who should be a “home companion” since I’m obviously very good at being screwed. Only this time, I want to be the one who gets paid for my services!!!!
(Hmmmm….I wonder what Oprah, Dr. Phil, Ellen and “The Doctors” would say about any of this???)
My temporary new address will be:
#1 Uppah Cr., Withatapaddle, OH!!!!! (just until I can line up some “contract” work)
© Angela Cramer, 2008-2009
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